Down from some sadness…


Day by day it goes here, my friends. I slowly transform myself back into that girl from factory again, as it was in Ústí, two years ago… Miss long hair, but they seem to grow back slowly, as well. Day shifts, night shifts — nothing new, to be honest, but much more work with wires and electricity there. Microchips. Daylight lamps. Screwdrivers. Plastic. Glue. Vegetarian meals in canteen — oh, I feel not so great to go back to RAW still, rent is paid for two weeks and I seriously consider the possibility to get some small tent for me to sleep outside. The problem here is lacking of place to wash my body — it looks that there is only shower for men at that job, and I am woman there. But it can inspire me to write, take photos — maybe I should stay somewhere outside until cold season, hm? Miss some equipment, anyway, or money to get it. Last savings may be invested into tent, I guess. One day it was bad feeling for me at job after eating some stuff in canteen for homeless, so I am afraid to go there anymore, but probably I will. On the weekend. Temperature is high here, cooks may do simple mistakes just keeping food not in the fridge too long, as all people do. According to Ayurveda scriptures, we should not eat anything what stays longer than three hours.
My dorm neighbor from Slovensko disappeared, probably for these days when they cut off hot water here for some reasons. His job as builder is beton making. He offered me once to play harmonica, but I was too tired and sleep deprivated at that moment. Rainbow banner what that woman from USA Embassy presented me on Pride is the only thing what decorates my room. Temporary room… for how long? All that I really want is to go RAW again, to do enemas and fastings, to overcome the obstacles, to break dirty connections what drag me down that much. Talked to my biological father, he seems to still try to destroy me with that angry misgender stuff and multilevel constructions of Russian bad language — after seven years, when I left them with nothing… oh Gods, I have no clues why, but parents always hated me and expressed their inner emotional radioactive waste on me, moreover they invested nothing in my life or education, I left their damned house with my backpack — another one, bigger, with colors of forest. So much of that choleric shit what I so naively tolerated — oh Gods, my parents — they save homeless cats but eat other animals for lunch, dinner and breakfast… and they did not care when I was in refugee camps or on the streets before, when I tried to study with excellent marks in Czech school with little money support from local government, when I have had surgery… Heartless, terrible.
There are some nice souls who support me from afar, blessings to them. I should stay at this job until I will continue my refugee papers and then will apply for permanent residence instead, as authorities refuse to change my documents until that moment. My name, my gender, birth number… My dreams, my Walden — in reality I am alone here, I miss Raw Vegan friends who are going into the same direction as I do, to empower each other, to help — maybe I should fix my papers and get some (a bit) still needed for me material things at first. Or I should walk on my path alone — reality breaks dreams and relationships, breaks them with imperfections of our natures. My Walden, where are you? Where is my Lotus Temple? In this dorm, on the road? In my heart. Somewhere on dusty roads and rusty railways… who will understand? I have a roof above the head now, electricity plugger and shower here. First two things may be replaced with tent and solar charger, for some time… but water, hm, here it is more difficult. There are sources in the city, I use them and probably should try that shower for homeless, but I have no real enthusiasm around it. But… maybe I should try? As I tried that much in life, to remember and write about, to bring that memories to you… I have papers that prove my gender change, so there should be not difficult to get myself into shower for women, hm, here in Eastern Europe it is not so easy to use even services for homeless people with no right papers. I may try to get a place in protected Azyl house, but not sure if it is better than sleeping outside, really. Once I slept in one Charity’s place for homeless, this spring — there were insects there and stuff, and it was hard to sleep… better alone, for Gods’ sake.
Maybe you are curious, why I describe these details? Oh, I should paint the whole picture, for me and you. To remember, to leave something after me on this Earth, as Henry David Thoreau did for me and others, he left Walden for all that seekers. I am looking for spiritual Enlightenment, I hope to meet it (and I do) on the roads, railways, or maybe one day — settled somewhere in my Shamaness’ hut… Not sure which way I will prefer from that described above and other ones, but all this brings wisdom and experiences, all what do not kill us make us stronger — oh, I know that I will just survive. To be strong enough to go on, walking that paths less traveled on the steps to my Breatharian dream. Maybe my fate is being alone, but I call to arms, I am not sure what is better and try all. And I try to do my best. I wish and I teach people, through my writings and other things what I left — and it does actually mean that life in this body, in this incarnation — was not for nothing.

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