Today my tablet computer was broken, what may be a sign to focus on other things around. Without quick access to e-mail, internet, maps and camera life seems to have another taste. Is it so inconvenient or we may talk about deliberation? Who knows.
Well, these my days here are busy with regular job, so this accident returns me to lovely warm analogue writings — what reminds of that times when I was writing Pillowbook in Austrian mountains. For some time I am alone with myself again — and it is time to write, to meditate… Do we really need to have that control above things mentioned above so often? Maybe it is better to limit internet access with visits of public library, no more than hour per working day? Do I tell Dharma Of Nothing or create digital empire? Oh, this empire is nothing indeed.
Maybe it all can wait? Maybe I should return to homeless living? Just think: I need to live under the roof to maintain my body and belongings well enough, to donate blood plasma. But I need to donate blood plasma to pay rent. So — for what? Isn’t it funny? But we know, all things in Samsara, all phenomena here do happen like this.
These days — oh,no canteen for homeless for some time, less garbage and more fruits, even if not organic — for now it feels still good, to integrate myself into new surroundings, to be solid enough at this workplace, around these people. I love everyone, they all are nice. Actually, all people are. About broken computer — well, it even makes me feel happy somehow. A chance to choose priorities once more, for this period of time. I hope it will not interrupt my plans to re-release the music, that was created last year (mostly). Music is ritual, it is my propaganda and it is important part of Lotus Temple what I do not plan just to leave aside. I carry Vietnamese jaw harp with me, probably new things will be recorded after re/releasing of previous things. Computer was broken, connections to Maya weaken, Third Eye activates for Divine Perception. Welcome!
Another side of this accident — possible connection to my biological parents. Couple of days ago we did talk with my father and he blamed me for my ways of living, and it was actually cruel, let me say. That broken tablet computer I bought with his money, and now I see: connection was broken between us (well, if ever really existed even). I mentioned already that parents planned to kick me out as soon as possible and were open about it during school days, as well as my father never wanted second child (me), and it was not a secret. After my expected leaving (with nothing) their house, after years of their terrible treating me (and investing nothing into my life), I was happy to finally leave them and, believe me, I was through hell, as they say. I was homeless, was in refugee camps — they never actually did care, as well as they did not show me any signs of emotional support. Their behavior during my school days was too sadistic, it was psychological (not physical, bless Gods) torture what was continuing for years.
This year I received first (and last) investment into my adult life from them, it was the only one since I left their house seven years ago. I was twenty. It finally became possible for me to go vegetarian, so I left them as veggie transgender creature with backpack and diploma from cooking school in Königsberg. Once I tried working in vegan restaurant later, in Czechia, but it is another story…
I wake up before sunrise and write into Diary ov Dreams something from this night — I was there in parents’ house, looking for something in books, turning the pages… My mother came into that room from my childhood and she offered me to drink tea with units (satellite boxes from my current regular job). I have seen some scenes from my workplace as well, people and places… Funny.