Psychiatry is not salvation, Satori is the only answer.

Welcome your schizophrenic Bodhisattvas! Buddha is dead, burn the light in your oven with scrolls of Lotus Sutra. Monks smoke hashish, Temple is done, there is no salvation. Doctor in white robe will come to take your blood — but does it help? Has it something to do with Immortality? Do you call yourself Immortalist but visit all the doctors and their slaughters? Do you enjoy? Do you enjoy? Hey, do you still enjoy anything in your life? Do you enjoy your own anhedonia? Anhedonia? What are life values, they ask me? Do any of them really exist or it is your imagination? All logical constructs and connections between phenomena were broken, there are no chains that we can process or understand as having any real meaning.

I was hospitalized. Nothing great to talk about, but I return to non-gluten vegan meals and have a place to sleep. Rest was needed after all that shit what happened to me, broken love and wandering around as homeless psycho. I have retreats of losing connections and missing people. But, this is life. Group therapy of moving energy practices was great in center for crisis cases, I felt it working while enjoyed ornaments on the floor. Drawing something, not that bad… but, it looks dead here, no way. I am sad that I return to Europa and have to deal with such stuff. To solve the problems just to solve next. But, it is not so easy — to build up your dream just out of nothing. Probably, I just met wrong people on my ways and continue to meet them. Oh Gods, do I have the right to say that I am tired in thus circus of madness? Do I have the right to be free again? Was I ever? Will I? My dreams and freedom are not just empty words. I am in desperate looking for heroes! I am in desperate looking for deliberation!

I try even mental hospital as one of last joys for me in this world…

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