The woods and the clouds…

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During school days, I have had some special places in my world, that were chosen for meditation on nature side, for rituals, as well as for celebration of that sacred points in Solar Year Circle — Equinoxes and Solstices. I wish to confess for setting them on fire. I would like to confess for burning woods here, for using of paper during life and for taking of other treasures what I did take from nature. I am sorry. Prussian lands, Prutena, Tvanksta… My land of Baltic Gods and Goddesses. I left you — do I have responsibility for your fate? Probably. I stay in connection with my Amberland, I am one of the few who remember and chant your names. Tvanksta, Prutena — these lands do not belong to any government! Fortifications, woods, dunes of sand, Pregel river, seashores — miss you so much, should never forget! Oh, my life was going on there, through that moments of Satori in all of that places, on the roofs of buildings — for you, dear Prutena, I sing my hymns today. Fires in the woods, Deities of Nature Forces, hail! Hail! Hail! Eternal Glory…
My allies in Prutena, I am so sad we lost each other. Maybe our ways just became to differ too much… I’ve traveled throughout Russian lands, I have seen Arctic Ocean and I washed my body in Black Sea as well. Visited several old cities, but was definitely charmed with Saint Petersburg. Oh my broken love there, my next suicide attempt after… the first one took its place when I was just sixteen, what did happen because of broken relationship as well. My friend there, under that Northern Skies, she introduced me to wonderful kinds of music, we experimented with dissociatives together, so wonderful time it was — it finished so tragically. But, I am here to tell you Dharma Of Nothing — not to swim in the lakes of tears. Violet Light… The woods around, they were too wild for me, for that season — anyway, I’ve experienced five months of real Russian winter, I was outside a lot of time, spreading flyers with prostitutes’ services’ advertisements… Hard days, hard cold days… Oh, bridges of Saint Petersburg, Neva river and channels, my Northern Venice — I fell in love with you, so tragically and desperately… My Northern Star, miss you — my Ingria! Hail, hail, hail! Eternal Glory…
Oh Fate! You bring me closer to the heart of Europe, so one day I arrive to Prague by bus which one stops at Florenc Terminal. I never came back to the East. Who knows? Maybe, one day… but — it can be dangerous, real dangers you may face there on the East, not fairy tales. And, for sure — not now… as for present moment I am refugee here, what means that the gates to Russia for me are closed for some uncertain, immeasurable amount of time. For good.
My life here in Bohemia began with deep psychedelic experiences, Cannabis festival in Prague and official start of gender transition from male to female. I was exploring different ways of Spirituality and I should add to that ones what were mentioned above that I consider myself disciple of Supreme Master Ching Hai — this noble great woman who did bring so much of her love towards humanity on this planet. God bless Her, God bless her being here and vegan restaurant chain what she started.
Gender transition was ritual thing for me, it was lasting (officially) some more than two years, with all that tests from the fields of psychology, psychiatry and endocrinology. With commission in Czech Health Department in the end, where well-known public figures in gender studies were present — and they signed approval for my surgery, what did take it’s place with Gods’ blessings. My transgender background is shamanic part of my personality and I associate this story with some extra-abilities what were recognized among transgender folks in some cultures in Old America, Pacific, India etc.. People of two spirits should be proud but not ashamed of their background and I open myself here to show the world something what is truly Sacred and Divine.
These years in Czechia — yes, it was about experiments with psychoactive substances and herbs what we explored together with my partner — anyway, our ways became too far one from another. First experiments with fasting, basti and other powerful techniques of purification. Several times I was pretty close to leaving this householder’s life behind and moving to India or Viet Nam, but I am still here — just because the time yet has not come, until now. One day, who knows… Anyway, hail to Bohemian lands what I traveled throughout! Eternal Glory! Hail, hail, hail!
Oh Gods, another thing to mention in my writings — the whole refugee thing. Yes, I described the situation to migration officials more terrible than it actually was… I was afraid and Pillowbook is my confession — anyway, they accepted me as refugee not for my personal story but for the whole situation around LGBT-people in Russia, according to their protocols what I did read. So here — once more I wash and purify my hands from the sin of lies (what actually didn’t help me even in my refugee case). I am not afraid now and I tell openly how it was. Let the Heavens forgive me…
I’ve lived in refugee camps here in Czech, I have seen even violence and suicide attempts there. Once upon a time one man tried to break my door to have sex with me, the door was weak and I called for help — finally police took him to a place where they keep foreigners who did break the law. Horrible… But at the same time I was surprised as well that camps offer vegetarian food — as I have had almost nothing with me there. And I have had single room as well, what was not actually that bad… I should not forget to say “thank you” more often.
I worked at factory, where I started to take photos, record noises and so on. That was time when I just started to share my creations with others on internet — yes, it was one of that breaking points in life when I discovered what being artist is about — that public aspect. It was so inspiring — connecting to others and reading reviews on my music and photos, it burned the light inside of me and added some fuel. I gave up school (economic one) not only because of catastrophic financial situation in my pockets — I have had that desperate wish to live my own way and do what I consider as important, and it was not that stupid job for money, no-no-no, thank you.
I’ve tried vegan restaurant but was not really inspired in the kitchen, so I changed workplace to that one where they gave more money, warehouse. I was living that life — ascetic at home, hardworking at job. Meditating, reading, taking photos — with dreams and rituals to obtain freedom one day. Just to say goodbye to all jobs, to be more free in my fasting experiments and so on…
I meditated for freedom on empty stomach, I was dreaming Breatharian dream… I was involved into Creative Collective Synergy project. But it was not my salvation, miracle did happen — but came not from England…
One day I received invitation from Kärnten (Österreich) — to leave Bohemia, for good. So I did and I lived on the mountains. Oh, it was insane year — relocations, travelings (Germany, Netherlands…), burning passions between us in our group, in our family and practicing commune, meeting of new places and more radical experiments with fasting and psychedelic substances… Oh Gods, what we did create. You may notice that through this time-fragmented disorganised flow I did call to my first memories from childhood and now I returned back to Austrian break-up and losing of Temple base, to the beginning of Pilgrimbook. I am sad, just sad about it. The circle was closed. My dreams were broken but not ruined. I carry the flame inside of me, Lotus Temple lives inside of me and will never die as long as my feet walk among this planet. Thank you, my dear teachers and lovers. Thank you, my friends. Gods bless our dreams — and who knows, maybe we should just dream alone. I am not writer of romances, so details are left for processing in our hearts, not to be shared with public. Time — it always fades away and today I write from mental hospital. I know that new beautiful things and events come and appear on our ways, I expect them and prepare for them. Gods, bless all who helped me to build up Lotus Temple in my heart, from emptiness. Eternal Glory to Austrian Alps I fell in love with, hail to Carinthia and her meadows… “Was uns nicht umbringt, macht uns stärker” — says Friedrich Nietzsche. Did he die in mental hospital? Does it really matter? How much of good people died in poverty and does it have something to do with my story? Oh Gods. I arrived back to Prague. Have no clues what tomorrow’s day will bring, trying to stay on my own legs and still thinking of different possibilities here — India, monastery, Russia, job, freelance, combination of… who knows. But, if you read these lines — my life was not for nothing. Aum.

With Love, from Lotus Temple — 巫蓮 / Wu Lian

 

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