Day by day, time goes slowly in psychiatric hospital for Bodhisattvas. Lack of motions is what drags me down — oh, I wish to become free again. Impossible now. Well, I can go immediately — but this way will lead me to some unwanted consequences. It’s even comfortable to be here for this piece of life, better than on the streets. Moreover, they say they can help me to find better dorm and to find new job, what will help Temple. Huh, it just makes me happy as I become tired of current life flow. I wish to do fasting again, I wish to look into the eyes of Divine once more. As close as it could be. Earthly connections — they are never really completely stable anyway, but for now I need to be a bit more grounded, it seems — as I decided to come back to Europa to finish that things unfinished and just to pay my debts. Truly happy to have none of them again, at the same time — struggling never really stops. Obstacles replace one another as decorations on the scene, but feelings may remain with the same intensiveness. Or almost disappear for some time, as it happens to me. Sad or neutral? Stone heart, Buddhahood or all together? Well, I do not know.
I do not know,but I got Czech edition of Tibetan Book Of The Dead. Exploring that worlds and perceptions once more, in Slavic language for this time. To find a way through the Darkness, to be always ready and prepared to die or even commit suicide — if something will go completely wrong. But, that’s no way neither solution. No.
Probably, I miss Sangha where I can be just myself. Does it exist? I just wrote a letter today to one of practicing communes with hopes to meditate together one day and probably to learn something, But, do they need me as Lotus Temple if they have their own living Master? Or, do I need Lotus Temple if Dharma Of Nothing is what I preach about? Is Lotus Temple my true purpose here on Earth or Spirituality itself? Good questions, answers are about to be found. Quests — they are to be solved. Yep, I miss Sangha with understanding and that’s sad. Will I meet one if I will be invited? Why not? Well, I was… I really wanted to join them in the past, so I can not miss the possibility (if there is one) to make one more dream become reality. Maybe just for certain amount of time, who knows… to try out. But maybe — my fate is to live as hermit the whole life. I do not know. Time goes by, life goes on.
This night — oh Gods — I have seen in my dreams things that were not beautiful, oh, terrible things I have seen. There was my father there, who raped me and burned the things around to terrify me and make me go away. I know, all what we perceive — we observe nothing but projections of our mind. What was in that mine? I have no ideas, but my love from the past was there later to help me, we did run away from my angry father and destroyer. We did run away… It reflects somehow pictures from Tibetan Book Of The Dead, it reflects angry aspects of Gods what we observe in Bardo, and — they say — here we are, the dreamers and creators of our own hallucinations…
Oh Gods and Deities, these walls make me to forget that food is not my friend. No, it’s not perfect ground for the base of Temple — we need better one. And if it is the only purpose in life, I go on with Temple in my heart. Continuing reading of Bardo Thödol, it rains behind the window — I am a bit sad for missing of Sunday’s ritual here in local church for Bodhisattvas — maybe next week, who knows. Who knows…
On Friday one girl jumped out of the window in our pavilion. First floor, but so high — they keep us in the building of that kind, from the times of Austrian-Hungarian empire, when psychiatric hospital for Bodhisattvas was founded. To be honest, I was not shocked even — maybe I have seen just enough already in refugee camps and other lovely places. They cancelled the meeting of our commune in the evening because of it — and people’s actions were dressed up with tragic tones this weekend, since Friday’s evening.
Today’s sleeping in the morning did bring the planes into my worlds — travelling and even fear of them. Well, the world is small — but I miss my commune. Well, do I? Shamaness’ hut is one of my dreams, maybe it is not so hard to manifest this dream, huh? All I wish is peace of mind. That one what allows to continue exploration of the Divine. And I go on, no-matter-what. I will survive hard times to build the bridges to my castles on the clouds. No one will ever stop me. I go on even when no one supports or really understands. I go on.