National things and dreams ov dreadlocks


Well, another day here in Berlin. I try to be optimistic, things turn better as it seems. Most of formalities seem to be done and situation is less chaotic now. Early in the morning they took us to BAMF by bus, now I am waiting for registration and interviews. Well, actually they do not call it interview here. I did not know that LAF and BAMF are located in the same building.

Today they asked me there downstairs about my nationality, my answer was — my parents are Russian. But — I do not have some feeling of belonging to any nation. At least today. “Kein Gott, kein Stadt, kein Patriarchat”. No national identity today. Well, sometimes I am Czech or Prussian or Vietnamese or Chinese or I do not know. I can not say that I am Russian if I do not feel myself so. This thing is fluid and gender is fluid. We are just children playing in the sandbox who imagine that they are boys, enbies, girls etc.. We imagine and change the rules. We play and most of us are happy with little things. Others want to control and use the rest for their own reasons.

No, I will not say that I am Russian to BAMF. But neither I am Czech.

They just invited me there to fill in the forms. There was a question about my nationality, yes. I asked them if it is about my self-Identification and finally I told them that I have no nationality, they accepted me this way! No nationality! I am free, how wonderful it is.

Today they promise to move me to another place — some Queer dorm here in Berlin. I will be really happy to be there. I have had so beautiful relationships, so beautiful loves — but damn it, how abusive it was. Truly they say — one should better know what life is about, what love is about, than not to experience it. Yes, close people betrayed me, yes they did not care when I was in real problems, yes they ruined my picture about myself. I am Shamaness and I heal, but I still need healing myself after all. How to open one’s heart after it was damaged so brutally? I have Love inside of me, infinite Source of Love — as everyone does. So nice, so wonderful. But I am alone and I am afraid to open my heart to someone after all. I go online and I am public, I talk about things openly and I am happy about it. I do love adventures. I am always in my solitary journey. But I forget how to be close with people. How to enjoy food together? And so on, and so on, and so on.

Dreaming of dreadlocks again. Yes or not? Yes, I want them. But damn it, not now. Probably later if I will be accepted here. I am prepared, I am ready! I was through so much shit during life, I am not afraid of refugee camps. Yes, once African guy tried to rape me. Other things did happen too. That African guy who tried to rape me, later he cut his wrists and they took him away for some kind of deportation prison, I guess. Not sure about it. Yeah, it was in Czech. But — for Christ’s sake — I have nothing to lose. Nothing to lose at all in Föderation — so I am chasing my dreams. I do not know any other way of existence. I am chasing my dreams… I got next marriage proposal from Muslim here in Berlin today, but I am too perfectionist — that guy does not know even what Vegan is…

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