Holding her hand. Still feel myself so lonely in this world of matter. I met so great people here in Berlin — it definitely feels like new wonderful beginning. Oh Gods, I was alone so long time… I was alone, I was in my dreams catching ghosts. Last days I am not. Yes, I just left behind Twangste with my backpack. I hope I will never be there in Federation once more. Not safe place at all. So, let my roots grow here for now — later we will see. Connections here seem to be attractive for me as they inspire me so much to go on on my way. Yes, I missed it. Even my partners from the past — they did not really get me. But who can? Broken souls around here in my shelter. Terrible life stories, well so was mine. I wish them all to be happy. Well, I wish them all to be Queer (Raw) Vegan Sangha. But what about me? I often eat Raw here — but there is “bad” thing what I still do — black coffee. Yep, I guess it brings chaos in my perception. Hot spices to quit sociophobia and build up certain important connections. Wrong tools? Probably, but too late. Yes, I already fell in love — I was afraid to.
And? Madness. Double one. Dysphoric. It hurts, but I wish her happiness. I was so down there in Federation — that life just disappeared one day. All. That place, that people, contracts — all. My relatives — no, we did not become closer and I am not sure if our interaction was not just about giving that property to my sister. Eh… Holy I wish to be. Tend to be. More and more perfect. Picking up different quests and tasks here — closer and closer to perfection. Rising above old me.
They told me there was one schizophrenic guy here who did read Nietzsche and gave up caring about his personal hygiene. Oh — I wish to meet him one day if he is still alive. Probably, not in this country already.
Who are my friends? Old ones, new ones. Great connections, but where did we lose understanding? Where is that one person who may get me and my personality as it is? I wish to express it all, so I sing here aloud. They try to stop me — it seems that I do break the rules. Hey, what about the rules for street musicians? They seem to be so complicated here in Berlin…
I smell coffee somewhere near. Me? No coffee today for now. I slowly do transition to Raw Food again, it seems. Or not? It is ok to transition slowly. Years, months — how much time do I need? Not sure. My last partners — they did not get that thing. Actually, I never talked to Raw Foodist with long experience here in 3D-world.
Oh, damn it. How fragile sometimes I am. I hate to argue. I do love to show perfection to people instead — but not perfect myself still.
Yes, relationship is not one of the easiest ones. But, hell yeah — I get inspiration out of it. Just to do my thing. Just to live my dreams. Oh, I wish to inspire her as well. But we are trapped in doubts so much — so horrible her life was. And so was mine.
Well, sitting in dining room here while writing new chapter of Pilgrimbook. V. appears — she just took her seat near me. Oh — I do not know how long we will be together… But I am not ashamed to hide my relationships from public eye. No, I am not Jesus or Buddha but I still learn to be one. Shamaness I am. I do experiment with herbs still — just received a gift from one spiritual friend of mine here in Berlin — sacred cacao. We’ve tried it together already, just short trial for me to begin with — but I wish to go deeper… Today?