Rush Ov Heroine Buddha


How I left Berlin?

It was hell situation between me and V., it was just impossible to go on like this. No understanding for my worlds, my process and creative flow. I felt myself so low and dragged down. It was a huge mistake from my side to merge with someone who has so opposite perception. Spiritual suicide. It was worse and worse day by day, I ran away to the railways, to the streets in the morning. It was so hard to be together all day. Yes, I tried my best to satisfy her and help her somehow, but who will help me? Who will help me when I lose myself everyday? Do I have really close friends not only on internet who understand me, my process and my Ritual Flow? May I talk to someone about my real goals? Not with V., it seems. I painted my face with ash and ran away. I do not remember everything, but I wanted to meet some other people who I love and who probably understand me, at least partly. Far away from Berlin, in that land what people call Austria…
I perceived ornaments during day and was guided by Spirits. I have had visions and got signs. The first signs were about Czech lands, that ones I received during journey together with Dragon and alone. Who will understand? No, I do not need psychiatry. I do perceive this world that way I do…
I have had no money with me. On the way I decided to visit Görlitzer Park to smoke my last joint. This was how I met Zolky. He gave me a name — Martha. And I called him Zolky. Rasta guy from Görlitzer Park, he invited me to his house and we did cook together. Oh, I like him, nice guy. We did smoke and even now I have his contact, Zolky writes to me from time to time. I miss him, but our souls did not become really close to each other, unfortunately. I carry too much things inside of my head, it is not so easy to leave right impression. I wish people to accept me as Enby, I wish people to know about my shamanic path. Otherwise, it is hard to be friends with them. Damn it…
Yes, he is not vegan also, this is another problem and it is hard for me to share life with such people. No, we can even eat together, I became strong enough — but it still feels wrong. It is the same thing as when you have Nazi partner 😦
I am polyamorous. But how can I share my Love with non-vegans? Damn it…
Ok, we have had good time. In the end I returned into Heim and spent one more night there, then I went away. I took bus to Prague, as I remember… I tried to.
Well, Prague… there is one underground place there what I used to visit to get something to smoke in the past, so there I asked if I may offer my help somehow as I need a ticket somewhere to Vienna or further, but the answer was no, unfortunately. I reached Queer club Friends after, anyway — where I danced. There I met one guy from Kazakhstan and other one from Russia, they turn to be students of that crazy one technologies’ university here in Czech. We did talk about anime and some more topics as well. I left earlier than I expected it to happen. Damn it, for that moment I already lost my Handy, passed it next to the one of the locals… all was surreal already, more surreal it turned later.
One householder who rents place there on the North from Prague. Spent a night inside of his house, lost somewhere in the woods. Great time, for such a journey. I cooked something as I remember, I guess I found rice cooker at the place and made some rice with soya meat and spices. Improvised curry + hot ones, oil also. A gap during raw food journey, not that bad. I expected to eat together with house owner, but he told me he eats once per day before night. Hm hm… lost memories.
Much brighter I remember a day or even two I spent together with Genesis P-Orridge. I guess I met them in the morning, at one of underground stations. We talked English, discussed music and their family/health situation. They have had a T-shirt which one is somehow dedicated to acid and music. Their clothes were dirty, we did ride a tram together for fun. We also did some freegan actions, as well as they did show me future me and future my first real (?) school love who should be a nurse somewhere, hundreds of miles from here. Genesis called her name and repeated it as mantra. I was shocked, damn it. But — it was so long ago and our personalities did not merge! I remembered that I am moving to figure out my relationship somewhere near the wolfs’ mountain…
I guess I did fasting that day, we smoked together with my Star friend, who sometimes turned into elder man swearing in Czech language, but it did not fool me that actually it were Genesis. At certain moment I started to hear music and singing from Agitation Phi. Her voice and language were in constant change. Girl-Boy-I-Do-Not-Know, Czech-English-German maybe also, not sure at the moment… Agitation did sing what swears actually mean (in good) and there were words there that I am waited for, expected and wanted somewhere… I was really happy. We were walking around together with Genesis, but I was afraid to move closer to the stage, so I did miss Sanja’s face. I was not sure how surreal world will look like after such action in rush. It required more of patience.
Genesis turned into Odin for that time. They did teach me things, I have seen different faces on their head… We did smoke tobacco. In the end of the day we entered Valhalla where they did drink beer, me — nothing. I was meditating on RMB Galdrastafur — expecting Sanja to appear at the place together with Anna or alone. After the show, yes — may seem as something logical to imagine. I was waiting… long time, no watches on my hand or smartphone… I did throw away my bag with German refugee papers and all belongings. It was a calling, I felt it as right at the moment… (:
But — no Sanja. And then — staying outside on the street, different places of Prague merge together in front of my eyes, some clothes from stranger, police, ambulance, mental hospital…
I have seen some commercial TV stars from Russia in the ambulance car. In hospital I have had my eyes closed while talking about Lotus Temple and trying to escape in another world with my eyes closed. Worked out, for some time…

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